I am hurt today. One of my better students
said something unkind about my teaching abilities, and another agreed with him
in front of the class. I came home crying, ashamed, upset at knowing that he’s
right—I don’t teach that class very well. Otherwise the comment would not have
hurt me. I also don’t play soccer anymore or practice my violin very much.
Nothing happens with my writing and I step on my kindle and leave my camera
behind and feelings of worthlessness are scarily
able to slip into my mind.
As my good friend Alyssa would say with
characteristic enthusiasm and some hand-flailing:
fuck. that. shit.
I am Fallen and God is the one who picks me up. I am
worth so much and it’s not because my
there’s anything worthy about me—about my teachings skills, or work ethic or success
or my inherent humanity[1]. I
am worth more than all the riches of the world because I am created, loved, and
cared for by Christ. I will do everything for him—including work extra hard to
be a better teacher, forgive myself when I fail and forgive my students when
they hurt me.
Back off, doubt. This bitch be armed with
Bonhoeffer.
“The existence of a natural right of the individual
follows from the fact that it is God’s will to create the individual and to
endow him with eternal life.”
“God gives before He demands.”
I'm crazy for you.
[1]
What a joke. We know what humanity does when left to its own devices and it is not something that brings us worth. Pol
Pot, gay-bashing, Christian-hating, self-absorption, and an ineffable God
complex.
mmm. gotta love Bonhoeffer when doubt is lurking.
ReplyDeleteHave you read the Metaxas biography of him? Is it worth the effort? Every time I go into our bookstore I think about it. But that's the kind of book that requires some serious commitment.
I have it sitting and waiting on my kindle. Soon and very soon...
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