Monday, October 22, 2012

Rhythm, Music, and My Man

I am hurt today. One of my better students said something unkind about my teaching abilities, and another agreed with him in front of the class. I came home crying, ashamed, upset at knowing that he’s right—I don’t teach that class very well. Otherwise the comment would not have hurt me. I also don’t play soccer anymore or practice my violin very much. Nothing happens with my writing and I step on my kindle and leave my camera behind and feelings of worthlessness are scarily able to slip into my mind.

As my good friend Alyssa would say with characteristic enthusiasm and some hand-flailing:

fuck. that. shit.

I am Fallen and God is the one who picks me up. I am worth so much and it’s not because my there’s anything worthy about me—about my teachings skills, or work ethic or success or my inherent humanity[1]. I am worth more than all the riches of the world because I am created, loved, and cared for by Christ. I will do everything for him—including work extra hard to be a better teacher, forgive myself when I fail and forgive my students when they hurt me.

Back off, doubt. This bitch be armed with Bonhoeffer.

“The existence of a natural right of the individual follows from the fact that it is God’s will to create the individual and to endow him with eternal life.”

“God gives before He demands.”

I'm crazy for you.

[1] What a joke. We know what humanity does when left to its own devices and it is not something that brings us worth. Pol Pot, gay-bashing, Christian-hating, self-absorption, and an ineffable God complex.


  1. mmm. gotta love Bonhoeffer when doubt is lurking.

    Have you read the Metaxas biography of him? Is it worth the effort? Every time I go into our bookstore I think about it. But that's the kind of book that requires some serious commitment.

    1. I have it sitting and waiting on my kindle. Soon and very soon...